Lately I’ve been writing posts in my head but when it comes down to typing them out, I draw a blank. I can’t even seem to come up with a title. I have been doing this blogging thing for three years now and it has morphed many times. People (you) have come and gone, and I find it difficult to keep playing the game to encourage new readers. I know, it sounds like I am breaking up with you guys…never fear, I am just acknowledging there are natural fluctuations in any relationship, they all take some work, even blogging relationships require maintenance.
That being said, this is also a difficult time for me. Christmas, while a lovely time of year, has always been tough for various reasons. This year is no exception. My dad has started running faster (wheeling?) down the path of dementia. At 94, it seems his brain is no longer able to keep up with the world as it is and he is starting to disappear. He can still put a “z” on the triple word score, but does not know that he got 60 points for it. (As always, Scrabble is a really good cognitive litmus test.) He doesn’t seem to be concerned or anxious, for which I am grateful. It is just weird to know that my larger than life, narcissistic father is slowly crossing the threshold to another consciousness and he’s going all alone.
At the same time, my godfather, who finally retired last year as organist and church secretary of the Methodist church…at the age of 90…has complications due to pneumonia. This is a man who’s presence has always been part of my life, even if I have gone a long time without seeing him. He was my father’s organ teacher. I took voice lessons from him when I was auditioning for colleges. In recent years, he has been one of my main pillars of emotional support every time I have gone to visit/take care of my parents. He played Vidor’s toccata for my mother’s funeral. (My dad stood with us in the front row of the church, facing the balcony, and listened to the whole thing and then applauded…it was a wonderful moment.) He is a gentle man, an amazing musician, has a lovely sense of humor…I could go on and on. I could always rely on a big smile and a hug when I popped into the church office to say hello. He is in my thoughts these days… big time.
So you can see that my mind is not all about lightness and happiness right now. I have not been taking lots of pictures lately, but I found this one in the camera from one of the rare days where we actually had a frost. Somehow I think it’s appropriate. I found this praying mantis in the bowl of my buddha fountain. Even in death he prays to Buddha.