untitled

Lately I’ve been writing posts in my head but when it comes down to typing them out, I draw a blank. I can’t even seem to come up with a title. I have been doing this blogging thing for three years now and it has morphed many times. People (you) have come and gone, and I find it difficult to keep playing the game to encourage new readers. I know, it sounds like I am breaking up with you guys…never fear, I am just acknowledging there are natural fluctuations in any relationship, they all take some work, even blogging relationships require maintenance.

That being said, this is also a difficult time for me. Christmas, while a lovely time of year, has always been tough for various reasons. This year is no exception. My dad has started running faster (wheeling?) down the path of dementia. At 94, it seems his brain is no longer able to keep up with the world as it is and he is starting to disappear. He can still put a “z” on the triple word score, but does not know that he got 60 points for it. (As always, Scrabble is a really good cognitive litmus test.) He doesn’t seem to be concerned or anxious, for which I am grateful. It is just weird to know that my larger than life, narcissistic father is slowly crossing the threshold to another consciousness and he’s going all alone.

At the same time, my godfather, who finally retired last year as organist and church secretary of the Methodist church…at the age of 90…has complications due to pneumonia. This is a man who’s presence has always been part of my life, even if I have gone a long time without seeing him. He was my father’s organ teacher. I took voice lessons from him when I was auditioning for colleges. In recent years, he has been one of my main pillars of emotional support every time I have gone to visit/take care of my parents. He played Vidor’s toccata for my mother’s funeral. (My dad stood with us in the front row of the church, facing the balcony, and listened to the whole thing and then applauded…it was a wonderful moment.) He is a gentle man, an amazing musician, has a lovely sense of humor…I could go on and on. I could always rely on a big smile and a hug when I popped into the church office to say hello. He is in my thoughts these days… big time.

So you can see that my mind is not all about lightness and happiness right now. I have not been taking lots of pictures lately, but I found this one in the camera from one of the rare days where we actually had a frost. Somehow I think it’s appropriate. I found this praying mantis in the bowl of my buddha fountain. Even in death he prays to Buddha.

P1110627
Buddha holds the spirit of the dead praying mantis

13 thoughts on “untitled

  1. Wonderful Photo! I’ve been having some of the same feelings regarding my blog and its dwindling “followers.” I keep reminding myself that I write for myself, not for popularity or approval, but I miss folks who I considered friends (though we’d never met in person) and wonder – just like I would in real life – whether I changed, or they did. Great thoughtful post!

    1. I think the readership changes, people get busy with new things, they run out of things to say, they no longer need the emotional support…there are many reasons. I know for me I sometimes get very tired of reading blog posts. Then I take a little break and come back to it. Some day, I will let the blog go, but for now, it is a way of getting my thoughts down…while I can. Glad you liked my post!

  2. Some interesting thoughts about life as it moves relentlessly forward and we experience those dear to us, and ourselves, change…and blogging. I don’t post often but enjoy the blogs- like yours – that I’ve chosen to follow although I’m finding less time to keep up with them. It’s interesting to reflect on what need the writing or the reading fills. Amazingly poignant photo.

    1. Changes, impermanence…I am more aware of these as I grow older and it is definitely showing up in my artwork, as well as here on my blog. The good news is that next year there will be a new crop of praying mantises and I am getting a new group of wonderful readers (and commenters!).

  3. I’m so with you on this. I started writing as a way to vent my struggles and release the stress of my fathers dementia and my mothers stroke. They were living with me for a year. It was a trial, to say the least.

    1. Wow, dementia and a stroke AND in your house for a year. You have my utmost respect. My mom had a stroke when she was 49 so I know what that’s about. Fortunately, my dad is in a retirement home with amazing caregivers so the worry is less but the grief is not. Here’s to blogging as a release/relief.

        1. ah yes, that parental thing. Been there done that as well. Made it easier for dealing with my mom…not so much for may dad. But that’s another story for another day.

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