different

Part of the world has just celebrated Christmas, and our thoughts turn to the new year. I have always been a bit suspicious of New Years. It seems a time for people to think that a new chapter has started in their lives, one which they have more control over than the last chapter. New Year’s resolutions are made, gym memberships are bought, promises are thrown about right and left to not go through the same pain and struggle as the previous year. There really is nothing wrong in taking a moment to relive your life of the past year and revise how you want to spend your energy and your time here on earth. But time (and by extension, the calendar) is a man-made construct and January first is really just another day in your life.

Yup, you guessed it, I am in a bad mood. I have not felt Merry and I don’t feel like ringing in the New Year with joy and happiness. It seems that this is a time of grief for me, a time of letting go of loved ones, a time of wallowing and struggling and sleeping. My godfather died over Christmas and my dad is definitely crossing the space/time continuum of dementia. I’m in pain and I don’t think a New Year is going to change that.

I could go on and on, but my words seem to be painted with mud and gunk which, from experience, I know is not much fun to read. Instead I will leave you with a few recent and not-so-recent pictures. Sometimes pictures are an easier way for me to express feelings.

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Mr. R. pulled out his chef’s coat to help make Christmas dinner.
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The chicken tortilla soup served for Boxing Day brunch with family and friends.
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Evidence of weather gone haywire…blooming miniature cotoneaster.
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More evidence of warm weather…forsythia and Christmas balls
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Best friends in happier times. My godfather on the left and my dad on the right.
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self portrait…grief.

 

14 thoughts on “different

  1. Oh, I’m so sorry! When sadness beckons, the holidays seem such a sham, with all of their good tidings and cheer based on – as you said – a man-made calendar. I’ll be thinking of you through this hard time, and wishing lighter days for you. Hang in there!

  2. So sorry! It is okay to deal with the grief however works best for you. Cry, write, whatever. Dementia is such an ugly disease that steals our loved ones piece by piece.

  3. I am always wary of wishing people much merriness and joy at Christmas and New Year, because that so often is simply not possible. Much of the Merry seems to be a commercial imperative anyway. My main wish for myself and for others is a modicum of peace and lots of strength for life’s challenges, and a jolly good laugh whenever the opportunity arises. Not very ambitious perhaps but….I’ll take what I can get. Thinking of you. 🙂

    1. Thank you for your thoughts, and a jolly good laugh is the best thing in the world. I agree on the peace and the strength part too. I don’t feel very strong right now.

      1. It’s hard…..especially when our older friends, supporters and family members are no longer around. I still want to talk to my grandmother (she died in 1976); I miss my weekly phone chats with my aunt, and losing a close friend just before Christmas was another ‘sadness.’ Makes the fragility of life very real.

        1. Indeed. I am coming up with all sorts of questions I would like to ask my godfather. I’m sorry about your close friend and all your other losses. Happy New Year…or maybe just New Year…

  4. The pressure to be merry is something that many of us resist – it sets up a superficial standard by which to measure our lives. Sorry you’re dealing with this grief and looks like your loved one made sure there was comfort food to help a bit at least.

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