release

Here are some comments made this past weekend by my father.

“I think it’s time for me to come back to civilization.”

“I keep thinking I’m in Florida.”

“What town are we in?”

“Who are those people outside?”

“What is my nurse’s name?”

“Where are you living?”

“Where have you been? I’ve been pining for you. Where have you been the past two days?”

“Where are you from?”

“How far away is that?”

“Do you have children? How old are they?”

“Who are those people outside?”

“Who was that man? I know him very well but I can’t remember his name.”

“Have you seen the head woman? What is her name again?”

“I think in my 95th year I’m going to retire.”

 

I think you get the picture. Dad has stepped further along the dementia path. He knew who my sister and I were, but couldn’t really come up with our names or where we were from. His ability to track time and place is gone for the most part. And it seems that life happens in very short spurts for him, then it happens again. And again. And…

It is fascinating what he does remember though. He knew that Saturday was the memorial service for his long time friend, my godfather, Al Sly. And he was thrilled we were there so that we could go together. I am also very glad I was able to sit with him and share a hymnal and prayer book and point out which hymn to sing. As an ex-organist, I was pretty sure he would have no problems singing the hymns. The Lord’s prayer seemed beyond him but it’s possible he couldn’t hear what we were saying.

(I just read an article that said that hearing loss and dementia were linked. Duh. It is harder to be in the world if you can’t hear what is going on. But really, even if he could hear, I think his ability to take in the words, figure out their meaning and come up with a response is mostly beyond him. Although he sometimes can surprise me by coming out with some gem of an answer that shows that, at least at that particular moment, he has grasped exactly what is going on.)

So where does the release come from? It comes from the fact that in some weird way, now that he has progressed so far, I feel absolved of my duty of trying to make him happy, of visiting him, of taking him out to lunch, of playing a game of Scrabble with him. I have done my share of this over the past few years, especially after mom died (which was five years ago this week). I don’t feel the need to check in on him and make sure everything is okay. He has an army of kind, caring people taking care of him, ones whom he recognizes almost more than his children. And I feel for the first time like I can really let go of that part of him that has resided in my brain for my whole life and just focus on ME. Even as I write this I feel the guilt and shame and thoughts of selfishness that over the years have caused me to stop everything in order to help him in some way. I know I am and have been a good daughter but I will always feel like I could have done more…it’s the nature of the beast. So before you start saying that he could still enjoy my visits, I know that. The thing is, I don’t enjoy those visits, and I have done a LOT of things I didn’t enjoy in order to make him (and my mother before she died) happy. Call me ungrateful, but stick a fork in me, I am done.

So what now? Well, I will continue to explore my artistic life. That is the most exciting thing for me. In the past year or so, I have been able to develop, expand, deepen, and redefine my creativity. My plan is to continue this exploration. My experiences with dementia will, no doubt, show up at some point. I have signed up for a trip to Namibia in November, which will bring about a long-time desire to go to Africa. And I plan to spend more time simply being…but that is the start of another blog post. Stay tuned…

I’ll end with one of my favorite photos of the recent 2 1/2 foot snowstorm…Ginger always expresses my sense of tiredness better than I can…

it is too exhausting trying to move around in this snow…but it is easier to get up on the rock!

 

 

 

night and day

The moon

carves out shadows

in the snow

then replaces them

so the sun

can do the same thing.

moonshine

sunshine

The other night I was standing in the window looking out onto the newly fallen snow in the moonlight. I thought I would try to take a picture of it which didn’t work out so great but at least you get the idea. The next morning, a beautiful sunny morning, I stood at the same window when the sun was in a similar position. Sometimes life just seems too cool not to notice it and take pictures of it.

sledding day two

The sun is shining

the sky is a brilliant blue

the dogs are happy and

I am on my inner tube ready to go

Come join me for a second time

no commentary,

no screams,

just a quiet ride

and a branch

or two.

For some reason, WordPress is not giving me a picture for this video so click on the picture of the inner tube and you will go to the youtube video…

In case you missed yesterday’s post, it snowed a lot yesterday. Sledding is so much fun here on my farm I can’t resist a few runs, especially when the sky is so blue. It really is awesome snow for sledding today. I thought you would like to join me today on a quieter ride…of course I still don’t have control over the inner tube…and I ended up in the glen instead of by the apple trees.

come sledding with me

I was having dinner last night with my friend Melinda and talking about the upcoming snowstorm scheduled to hit today. I was excited to have one more chance to go sledding and she said I ought to take a video of my sledding so that you all could enjoy it with me.

So I did.

Lucy, Ginger and I invite you to come on an adventure with us…please note, I have no steering capabilities nor do I have anything resembling a brake…just me, the inner tube, the snow, the hill and whatever happens, happens…

Are you ready???

tracks

Diagonal lines

made by

a boy

dragging a toboggan

across

the glistening powder

of the snow.

toboggan tracks

We don’t usually see such powdery light snow. This is the kind of snow that comes from very cold temperatures, like single digits (fahrenheit). This powdery snow blows around in the wind, creating fleeting sculptures, especially at night when lit by the outside lights. I spent a few minutes one night throwing the snow in the air as the winds howled in gusts up to 60mph and watching it swirl away in ghostly apparitions.

The morning that this picture was taken I was out in my bathrobe and pajamas (and a coat) on an inner tube, sledding down the hill. If you’ve been following my blog, you know that for me, this is true bliss. I love getting down to the bottom and laying on my back looking at the trees and sky and birds.

I’ll admit, I’m tired of cold and will be happy when the days warm up a bit. But I will have good memories of playing in the snow from this winter…that makes me happy.

shovel duties

Once in a while

when the cold dry air

creates a snow so fine

as to look like powdered sugar

and the wind

comes from the north

and dances

around the yard

before it departs to the south

I find it necessary

to shovel

the inside of the barn

before I go to work.

inside snow

My mother used to tell the story of when she and my dad owned a ski lodge in New Hampshire in the early 50’s. They lived in the house next to the lodge and she often came down in the morning to a little pile of snow on the floor that had blown in through the key hole.

Years later, my husband and I moved into our current house where the door was single pane glass and you could look right through the keyhole. Fortunately, the snow never made it through, but it sure was cold on windy days.

We replaced that door very early on in our years here. We have yet to solve the snow-in-the-barn problem.

 

tink tink tink

I was sitting in my studio earlier tonight working on a miniature version of a sculpture. The CD had run its course and it was quiet except for the “tink tink tink” of the frozen precipitation that was coming down outside. We are in for a long night of “nobody quite knows what will come out of the sky”. This is the kind of winter weather I don’t like, the unexpected and somewhat dangerous frozen-in-between stuff. Fortunately I have nowhere to go tomorrow but my studio and I can always put spiky things on my boots when I walk over there.

In the spirit of what is coming out of the sky I thought that it would be appropriate to post some recent pictures of what the weather has been like around here. I am looking forward to being able to take my time in the next few days and take my camera out for some more visual reporting. For now, enjoy these pix! (Especially if you are one of those sweltering people down under…thinking of you.)

The snow came down in beautiful big flakes the other day and I sat in my upstairs studio and watched it paint everything a dusty white.

from the upstairs studio

Later that evening, while making dinner I looked out and my attention was captured by how the dying light makes the snow so very blue.

evening snow

And this is why we changed the kitchen around and added big windows and doors…this view is so awesome when it snows!

looking out the kitchen door

The snow has mostly melted in the few days since and when I came out of the studio I couldn’t help but be distracted by how the frost and melting snow crystals had painted designs all over the concrete ramp to the barn.

frost on the concrete

frost from the melting snow

I particularly like this last one, it looks to me like something shadowy is growing out from the grass onto the concrete.

snow grass and frost abstract

Isn’t Mother Nature an amazing artist??? I can’t wait to see what’s out there tomorrow…